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It’s the second day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and it feels like every other day to me. I’m sure that’s because every other day I’m aware that I Had Breast Cancer. And even though I had it, I’ll live with it for the rest of my life. It’s not just the scars, boobs, short hair and doctor appointments either. It’s the thoughts that pop into my head like Oh I’ve had a headache for 3 weeks now, crap I’m supposed to call someone if I have a symptom for more than 2 weeks. Or the, my nose is running. How long has it be running? Crap I don’t know. Or the, did I take my pills today? Should I get one of those old-people pill holders? Or maybe it’s that today was the first day Micah saw my port scar and asked what it was.

It’s hard to believe that 8 months have gone by since I had my last chemo. I’ve only missed one doctor appointment, which was yesterday, and I’ve had A LOT of appointments. Bobby is taking classes 4 nights a week this term, which is a pain for me and him. And in true fashion, I find the positive - I think it’s a blessing because it’s making me slow down. I like to get Micah to bed around the same time every night which means I need to be home early. In turn, I haven’t been able to run myself ragged like I usually do because I’m home close to 6 almost every night (but not EVERY nght!).

I really only have 2 points for writing today. One is that I had a check-up with my Breast Surgeon last Thursday 9/26. It was a follow up from my lesson-teaching bday appointment. The mass they thought was a fat necrosis in June had grown and I think they said had blood feeding it or something. I say“or something” because I thought I knew what they were talking about but I don’t think I did. And I must’ve been subconsciously telling myself to not ask for clarification out of being scared, but I didn’t feel scared. Dr. Jones said “We better do a biopsy.” Hmm ok, still not scared because this is like a normal appointment for me where I have another test before I leave. l was ‘fine’ until I left the office, walked past the spot where Bobby and I stopped to hug after my diagnosis only 367 days before and to my car. I got in, started to drive away and felt something on my cheek. It wasn’t just a tear, it was the first of many that came in a short burst before I pulled myself together. After all, I was driving and meeting some friends for lunch. We agreed, it can’t be Cancer. Not this soon. Certainly not this soon. But maybe. Crap, I won’t worry. I won’t tell people. I will tell a few people, how can I not tell my friends I’m meeting for lunch?! And my husband. And my friend who randomly answers her phone THIS time when I call. And my mom. And now I’m telling everyone but only because I find out the results tomorrow and I’d rather tell you Everything is OK! Than to tell the story starting with my bday appointment.

The other reason for writing is because it’s Breast Cancer Awareness month. If you notice somethingweird get it checked. If you just read that and thought to yourself that I told you that last year, You’re Right! So get it checked! Wouldn’t you rather know?