Days

My ob found the lump on my 38^th birthDAY.  I received my second diagnosis one year and 2 DAYs after my original diagnosis.  Today I found out I’m 5 DAYs too early.
Here’s the story: I refinanced my car in April and decided to get the disability insurance.  I never would have gotten it before but I got it because I HAVE FREAKING CANCER.  Today the disability insurance company called to let me know that it seems like I might not qualify because there’s a waiting period.  A six-month waiting period and I stopped working five DAYs before the six-month mark.  DAYS!  It’s not that big of a deal, so I have to make my car payment.  I mean that’s what I expected, until I refinanced and was asked if I want disability insurance and I said yes, because I HAVE CANCER.  Are you kidding me?  I don’t even know what the word is – ironic?  Stupid?  Funny?  Lame?  Probably lame because I use that word a lot. 

I also had a call regarding a Social Security claim.  A claim was submitted before by a company my employer contracts with to file Social Security disability claims (I totally don’t understand, so glad this company exists).  I asked if I needed it, I was only going to be out for about 6 months but the person said it’d be good to do it because I’ll have been out for close to two years when I’m done with treatment.  Wow.  Two years?  Yes, I went back to work for close to four months but it’s considered an unsuccessful return to work. 

This all got me thinking.  And almost freaking out.  Cancer, Recurrence of cancer, disability, social security…  I am hearing about things, dealing with things, learning about things that I don’t think I ever thought about having an effect on my life, ever really.  Not even when I am old.
BUT I DON’T EVEN FEEL SICK!  And I don’t want you sad that I’m “dealing with things” because I’m not sad.  I’m just kind of shocked, I guess.  Or in shock.  I guess I’ve been in shock since September 24, 2012.  You, my friends and family, were more mad that the cancer came back than I was.  It could be that being mad won’t change the facts so I just remain in shock.  And still in disbelief.  I mean, while I wait for radiation to start I wonder if I should just go back to work and live as though I don’t, didn’t have cancer.  But that’s silly because I do, did have cancer.  And I don’t want it again!
I generally don’t let these thoughts linger because they don’t matter but… sometimes it feels good to follow the train and see where it takes me.  And there’s always Xanax if I don’t like where it goes J

I’ll be starting radiation on Monday, 12/9.  In total I’ll get 35 treatments, 5 days a week for 7 weeks as long as there are no setbacks.  I guess if my skin gets too irritated they’ll have to postpone treatment.

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season.  Bobby and Micah picked up a Christmas Tree yesterday and then we all (Bobby, me, Helena and Micah) went to Celebration in the Oaks at City Park last night.  It was cold but festive and fun to see Micah loving all of it!  We plan to go again so Helena and MIcah can go on the rides.