Grrr I'm mad

I haven’t really been too upset about the whole cancer thing, I’ve accepted it and my treatments.  I even accepted losing my hair!  Cancer seemed to be a short term bump in the road that I would deal with and move on.  Even when I was given my second diagnosis I accepted it, started treatment and was looking forward to the end of treatment when I could start life over again.  But I’ve got this problem now and I’m not ok with it. 

My left hand is swollen, hurts and honestly looks ugly!  It’s probably lymphedema which is a risk when you have lymph nodes removed and I had 5 removed last year.  I think we have around 20-30 in our armpits so having 5 removed didn't seem like a big deal to me or the doctors.  It looks like my hand is broken, I want to get an xray to make sure it’s not and I think that’s a common desire.  I read a comment from someone who wished she was having heart problems vs lymphedema.  My watches and bracelets are tight.  I can’t even wear my wedding ring and I really like it! 

The treatment for this is a compression sleeve, physical therapy and exercises I can do at home to help move the lymphatic fluid along but there’s no cure.  I have a sleeve that seems to make the swelling worse, my therapist doesn't think I have too much of a problem (I guess the swelling goes down when I see her) and I’m really upset that I have to deal with this, especially if there’s no cure.  And it really hurts.  It hurts to touch my hand, it hurts to type, it hurts to make a fist, it hurts just sitting here. 

So here it is, my attitude is not positive today.  I am mad and sad and hurting.  If you wondered how I was able to remain positive you can stop wondering because today I'm not. 

How quickly I forget and how quickly I'm reminded

With 3 weeks since my last chemo, I started to forget that I was actually being treated for breast cancer.  The first week I had some nausea, the second week it started to go away and the third week it was gone!   And then came Day 1, last Thursday, and I was reminded that yes, I’m being treated for breast cancer.  I received my normal Day 1 chemo cocktail of pre meds (anti nausea medicine) and the two chemo drugs I get, Carboplatin and Gemcytobin.  The actual treatment (chair time, chemo, infusion, it can be called many things) wasn’t bad.  And I think because it’d been 3 weeks since my last chemo the purple box with the lunch they provide didn’t even bother me.  I even went to Cancer Yoga that evening.  And I woke up feeling ok but as time went on I noticed the queezy feeling in my stomach. 

Sometimes I feel guilty for being active, doing fun things, hanging out with friends, etc… but when I think about the alternative I try to convince myself I don’t need to feel guilty.  I think a lot of people going through chemo spend a lot of time in bed but all that does for me is remind me that my stomach hurts and/or that I don’t feel good.  I do have to pay attention to my energy levels because when there’s no energy, there’s no action.  I try to stay busy, possibly too busy and perhaps I should slow it down a little but there’s no guide on how to act while on chemo so I just listen to my body.   And today has been a little rough.  I asked my mom to pick up Micah and come over for dinner because I wanted her to but it turns out I needed her to also.

I go back this Thursday for labs and my day 8 chemo.  I asked and there’s nothing I can do to help keep my white blood cells in the range that allows me to get chemo.  Nothing I can eat or drink, or not eat or drink will help.  Hiding out won’t help.  Taking EmergenC or extra vitamin C won’t help.  And I won’t know anything until I go in for labs on Wednesday.  Even last time, when my counts were off I didn’t feel any different (500 is the lowest my count can be, I was at 400.  Before I started chemo my count was around 4300.) Dr Barnhill told me to think positively for my white blood cell count to be within the right range so that’s what I’m doing.  Feel free to help out J

An ultra sound, a biopsy, ct scans, a shot (3 actually) and an ultrasound

One whiskey, one shot and one beer sounds so much better!  George Thorogood really knew what he was talking about.

Two Thursdays ago I felt a lump in my breast and I’m not trying to be paranoid but I told Dr. Barnhill about it and she said to get an ultra sound from Dr. Jones so I did, that afternoon.   While looking at the ultra sound Dr. Jones said to get a biopsy, so I did that last Tuesday.  Then Thursday, while waiting for my lab results for chemo I received a call from Dr. Jones’ office saying the preliminary biopsy results were good, the lump is not cancer.  When the lab results for chemo finally came back (3.5 hrs after my appointment time) I was told my white blood cell count was low, I would not be getting chemo and that I needed shots to boost my count.  I was also told my liver enzymes were elevated and I needed ct scans of my abdomen and pelvis, so I went to the hospital across the way and had that done.  Then I went back to the cancer center for my shot.  Then I went to Cancer Yoga.  Ahhhhh

Friday I needed to go back for a shot and while waiting I received a call that my ct scans showed a 6cmx6cm mass on my right ovary.  I also went for a shot at 7:30am Saturday morning.

Yesterday I had an ultrasound of the 6cmx6cm mass on my ovary.  Luckily this is only a cyst.  I imagine if I didn’t have cancer we’d be a little concerned about the cyst but we aren’t and neither is my doctor.  

Bobby and I celebrated last night.  Maybe not with one whiskey, one shot and one beer but definitely not an ultra sound, biopsy, ct scans, shots or any other ultrasounds!

In memory of my dear friend Cristie

One year ago today, my friend Cristie and I completed the first 5k for me after 8 rounds of chemo and multiple surgeries.  Little did I know this would be our last 5k together.  Granted, we could have done more throughout the year but that’s beside the point!  Cristie got me into running (Bobby tried, Cristie succeeded).  One year she made me do the Crescent City Classic which is a 10k.  When I told my Oregon friends I ran that race they surprised me by telling me they signed me up for a half marathon, so I had to train.  I started running on the treadmill but Cristie explained to me how boring that is and boy was she right!  Just ask Nicole who had to do her long run day (19 miles?) on a treadmill (because of the OR winter weather) while training for the Boston Marathon.  Cristie would get me to go run at the park.  We’d do 2 mile runs, 4 mile runs, 2 mile organized Free For All runs (with beer at the end!), 5k’s on Fridays, 5k’s on Saturdays, The Turkey Day Run (she made me run the entire 5 miles once.  I’ve done it since but man, Cristie you kicked my butt!)  We even put our workout gear on and showed up at the end of Mardi Gras ½ marathon one time, just to hang out!  I often wanted to walk instead of run but she told me that took too long.  Too long to finish and too long to get to the beer J

During my first chemo stint Cristie would call me every other day to see how I was doing.  At first I thought to myself, why does she keep calling me for no reason?!?!  Then I realized, that was Cristie’s way of checking on me, showing she cared and touching base.  Once I realized that I didn’t question her reasoning, I was just happy to hear from her.  I found out this weekend, that was her style. She “randomly” checked on so many people.

I didn’t realize how much Cristie and I did together until Tuesday, March 4^th.  I got a call at 10:50am that Cristie had passed away.  Cristie took her own life.  Cristie rarely complained about anything.  I know she dealt with a lot throughout her life but she always had a smile on her face and was there to cheer us all on.  We are all confused.

I’ve been reflecting ever since that call.  Cristie came to Micah’s birthday party and was so excited to give him the gift she found for him.  She found a camera that she knew he’d love because he was having fun taking pictures with her camera at the Race for the Cure in October.  I started looking at pictures of Cristie and me.  Oh my did we do a lot!  We worked together for 3 years. We went to Wednesday at the Square together, worked out together, we ate Taco Salads from the Purple Cactus on Fridays together.  We went to French Quarter Fest, Jazz Fest, the Irish Channel Parade, Mardi Gras parades, St Patrick’s Day parades, celebrated birthdays, New Year’s Eve, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Easter and probably some fake holidays we made up.  We spent one Father’s Day in baby pools in my backyard and called ourselves the Housewives of Metry.  Our husbands were working but we still celebrated with our girlfriends.  I know her family, she knew mine.  She called my mom “Mom Carly.”  She was so excited for me to be pregnant she bought Micah a onesie well before I was showing.  She came to my bachelorette party in Las Vegas and planned another one for me in New Orleans (with the help of a few of our other friends). I planned her bachelorette party and Bobby and I went to her wedding in Las Vegas.  As you can tell, we did a lot of things together!

I love Cristie.  And I miss her so much.  I’m going to miss her checking in on me and I’m going to miss that she would offer to bring dinner but we all know her husband made it J  Same with the 7-layer bean dips she would bring to parties.  She did make a mean Velveta-Rotel cheese dip though!

I’ve been feeling decent in terms of my chemo. My side effects have been mild.  My next treatment is this Thursday and I’m hoping to continue feeling decent.  I’ve decided to register for a 5k at the end of the month.  I don’t want to say it’s in honor of Cristie because I don’t want to not succeed or get sick and not feel like running and feel like I let her down.  But I will use my memories of her to keep me going.  She always ran faster than me so I’ll just keep going, trying to catch her and one day I will!

Cristie and Micah.

Cristie, Dawn and me after the Crescent City Clascic.

Cristie and me at the Saints Super Bowl parade

 

 

Jenniver, Rachael, Robert, Cristie, Meghan and me after lunch for some birthdays.  Or maybe just hanging out???

 

Cristie and her husband Wade sporting their Kickin It Pink shirts

 

Race for the Cure 2013 (Cristie is to my right (your left) with the pink headband)

 

Do blonds really have more fun?

Since I’m married with a kid AND  I have cancer, we might not find out the true answer.  But I am blond!  Eight days ago I had brown hair with high lights.  Today I have straight up blond hair.  Bleach blond hair.  There is no brown in my hair.  None.  I decided I wanted to do something a little crazy since I might lose my hair.  And you might ask, what if you don’t lose your hair?  Well then, I will shave it because I’m not keeping this blond-hair-thing up!  I don’t have the time (or money!) to get my hair done every 2 weeks so I’m going to enjoy the bleach blond hair while I can.  I might get a crazy hair cut soon too.  Why not?!

My first round of chemo was last Thursday and I think it went fine.  I’ve had a little nausea and I’ve been extremely tired but I can handle that.  If you don’t know how nausea feels it’s kind of like feeling queezy but not being sick.  It’s annoying but for me it’s not debilitating.  Unfortunately, if I eat it sort of goes away and since the 10 pounds I gained the first time I went through chemo haven’t gone away I really don’t want to add anymore!  But, feeling ok is better than looking ok.  I guess J  I was talking to Missy, my chemo nurse, yesterday and she said the people who lose a lot of weight during chemo are generally the ones who don’t feel good so…  ugh… I’m ok not being skinny.  I guess J

Yesterday was Day 8 of my cycle and my lab results were within the right margins so I was able to get chemo.  My first round is complete!  I’ll go back on day 20 which will be March 12 to get my labs done again to make sure I can get chemo on Day 21, March 13^th. 

It’s hard to explain the cycle - Day 1, Day 8, Day 21 begins the cycle over so it becomes Day 1 again.  I was told that Day 8 often gets pushed back because lab results aren’t good but I suppose Day 21 can get pushed back too since they test my blood then too.  And the count begins on the day I get chemo so if Day 8 gets pushed back to Day 9 then Day 21 would become Day 22.  Whatever…  I am really trying to not plan things which is REALLY hard for me being that I’m a TOTAL planner.  And a side note, if the days get pushed back it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  It doesn't mean I'm sick or anything, it just means my lab results weren't in the right range. 



Brown w/highlights at PDX

Baby hairs!

Brown morning hair

orange

Day 1 of chemo, not quite blond enough

Orange mlorning hair

Strawberry blond/Pink.  But not quite drastic enough for me!

Blond!!!

My 2nd port

My port is in.  Surgery went well and I got home around 5pm yesterday.  I’m pretty sore today but I’m staying in bed and my mom is coming to take care of me so I’ll make it.

As we were headed towards the hospital yesterday I realized I didn’t remember anything about the surgery process.  Luckily the nurses and doctors were there to guide me through everything J  I'm surprised I don't remember though, I've had several surgeries at this hospital and the nurses even remember me! 

This picture is post-op.  The long line going up and down is where the port was inserted. The shorter, horizontal line on my neck is where the catheter goes into my vein.  

 

The catheter is a small, soft tube that is placed inside one of the large central veins that takes blood to my heart.

This is the actual port that is inside me.  (Crazy!!) 

When I go in for chemo, a special kind of needle is inserted into my skin in the middle of the vertical line on my chest.  This is how the port is accessed.  The catheter takes the chemo to my blood and heart. (I didn’t know about the heart part but I guess that makes sense – blood pumps to and from the heart, right?)

Here I am after surgery.  Thumbs up! 

See that bag hanging in the front of the picture?  That’s sodium chloride.  When I told the anesthesiologist I wished I could’ve drank water before surgery because I drank wine the night before she upped the drip and gave me more.  What does this mean?  Have you heard of the Remedy Room in New Orleans?  Or Hangover Heaven in Las Vegas? Or the IV Doctor who makes house calls in New York. Well, my Anesthesiologist hooked me up with a little cure, I mean not that I was hung over but I was thirsty J

I'm Pooped!

I don’t remember ever having such a low energy level.  I know I was tired during chemo and wasn’t sleeping well but this, I think, is different.  I get at least 9 hours of sleep per night.  Most nights I don’t wake up at all, even if I go to bed early.  Last week I went to bed at 7:30, probably fell asleep around 8:30 and did not wake up until 7am.  I feel good and rested when I wake up but by 12:30-1pm I’m tired.  I have trouble keeping my eyes open and even find it hard to talk or at least speak clearly.  It’s not like I’m tired and should be sleeping it’s like I’m exhausted and my body needs to rest.  Apparently the low energy levels stem from radiation and could last 2-3 months.  My body is busy rebuilding my cells that were killed during radiation.  It’s all so weird because I don’t SEE anything happening but when I hit the wall, I hit the wall  hard and it’s time to stop.  My afternoons are generally spent on the couch or lazy boy, which isn’t a bad way to spend an afternoon!

Funny story - I told Micah I was pooped one day and he said "Oh!  Momma's pooping."  He's definitely to the age where he's making us laugh a lot.

Last Saturday we celebrated Micah’s 3^rd birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.  It was wonderful seeing him play with his friends and having fun at his birthday party. 

Right after the party I dropped everyone off and went for my last radiation treatment which we celebrated with champagne and flowers. 

 

Sunday was Bobby’s 40^th birthday, which we celebrated at home by ourselves J   We do have a trip to Portland and Black Butte coming up as a birthday present.  Bobby is always giving me a hard time for not taking him to the snow (I hate the snow!) so this trip really is for him (I want to make sure this is clear, this trip is for him.  Not me!  But I will enjoy it also!)

 

Bobby and I met with Dr Barnhill last week to discuss my chemo plan.  I will be getting my port put back in on Feb 10^th and starting chemo on Feb 20.  How I handle this chemo is unknown but I could lose my hair, have nausea, be tired and/or have low blood counts.

What are low blood counts?   I have to give blood before every chemo treatment and if my levels aren’t in the right place the treatment will be postponed.  I know they check my white blood cell count but I’m not sure what else they check.  I believe the white blood cell count is the biggest concern and also the one that Dr Barnhill expects me to have problems with.  The white blood cells are what fight infection so if my count is low I’m more susceptible to infection.  Last time I would get my ‘white blood cell shot’ which you might remember me talking about.  I can’t get it this time because there has to be 14 days between the shot and the next chemo, which I will not have.  I guess there is a shot I can get for 3 days that would help.  There’s something to combat all side effects, how well they work is another thing!