What's done is done

My hair is gone!  Bobby shaved it off tonight.  He didn’t bic it but he used his clippers and it’s gone.  It took my strong husband to make things happen,  on my own I think I might have made excuses all night long.  My scalp was sensitive but not painful and my hair was coming out in strands, not clumps but I didn’t want to deal with that.  There’s no turning back now although Bobby did stop and ask if I was sure my hair was going to fall out.   I think it was at about this point when he asked:

Put a little gel in it and it looks alright (so glad Helena was here for this!):

 

We kept going and I got to add my personal touch:

And then Bobby got back to work (with my mom in the background, recording the entire thing):

 

now we have two bald people in our family

As for my health, I’m still feeling alright.  My energy level is low, sometimes when I pick up Micah he feels more like a 5 yr old than a 2 yr old, but I’m not sick (yet) and I can still pick him up.   I can still eat and I don’t have a lot of symptoms that some of the women I’ve met are experiencing.  I am thankful for all of this.  I imagine at some point I’ll hit a bump, even a mountain, but I know I’ll keep fighting.  I might need to be reminded that things will get better but I will keep fighting. 

I might be famous!

My story is going to appear in the local newspaper.  The more views and comments the more famous I become :)  Check out the story: http://blog.nola.com/eastjefferson/2012/10/metairie_womans_participation.html
Comment too!

Today is the day after my second round of chemo and I'm feeling ok.  I got my white blood cell shot and am starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my every-other-Tues/Wed/Thursday home.  I've been pretty active today and am thinking I'll sleep a lot tomorrow.   I intend to take Micah to the pumpkin patch and I'll be posting pictures of the cutie when I do. I hope I still feel good!

I found this article that I thought might be sort of helpful for those of you who are wondering what to say or do when you find out a friend or loved one has cancer.  I know it's hard to support someone when you don't know how to support them.  I found out bad news for a family member yesterday and I didn't know what to say or do, even though I'm going through a similar experience.  http://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/helping-a-friend-with-cancer?page=1&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=pulsenews

Time flies

The past 30 days have flown by and it feels more like years vs. days since I received my diagnosis.  I imagine the things that I’ll experience over the next few months will make it feel like many more years vs. months.  My plan is to be done with all of this by Jazz Fest. I have 214 days or 7 months and 2 days or 5,112 hours to prepare, I’m guess I'm starting to prepare early this year.  I usually don’t start preparing until December/January when they announce the bands. 

The turnout for the Race for the Cure was perfect.  I hope everyone had as good a time as I did!  Here's our team, minus a few.

And some more pics

Katie and me

 Micah Kickin It Pink

 The youngest team members of Kickin It Pink

Julie, Katie and me

So my mom called the newspaper and said her daughter would make a good story.  This is the journalist interviewing me. It'll print on Sunday, I really hope he got a good story because all I remember is saying "Like... Like... Like..."

 Noah and Heather (Rachael in the background)

 Micah and my mom/Nana

My family

I had an appointment with my Oncologist, Dr. Barnhill, yesterday.  She said the tumor has shrunk which is obviously great news and makes it easier to see that we should continue on the same treatment plan.  I continue to really like Dr. Barnhill. She spent quite awhile with us answering my questions, some that I had from reading things (“Am I at a higher risk for heart disease and how do I prevent that?”  The answer is yes, I am but it’s not the kind we think of or can prevent.  It affects the pump (I think that’s what it was) and the risk becomes high when the dose of chemo you get is much higher than what I’m getting)  and some silly questions but ones I wanted to know the answer to! (“Do YOU understand cancer?”  She laughed, and her answer was “No one understands it or we’d have a cure.” And then continued to explain what cancer is.)  While explaining that I can have a glass of wine I responded with “so I shouldn’t go to Bourbon St and have a drink at every bar?”  She laughed again and suggested maybe ½ a drink at the first bar, save the second half for the next bar.”  Seriously, I don’t try to make her laugh but I love that I do, and that her responses are serious but funny.  Yesterday she reminded me of Marge Simpson so I had to stop thinking about it J Bobby said she reminded him of a mortician.  She is so smart, poised, sweet and serious and really looks nothing like Marge or a mortician. 

My second round of chemo was today and went well.  Right after it I got my hair trimmed.  It’s been 3 ½ weeks since I cut it and I couldn’t stand it!  It was too long!  I love it and hope I can wear it like this when my hair grows back!  Amy at One to One Salon has been doing my hair for 5 years and always makes me look good.  I’ll post pics of the transition when we make the final cuts if I don’t get to it before.  I can’t believe I was just in Oregon 1 month ago with ‘long’ hair! 

Racing, Posing, Shopping

Tomorrow is the New Orleans Race for the Cure and I’m excited!  We’ve got a team of about 26 members, team t shirts, bandanas, a banner and great weather!  Thank you again to everyone who joined our team and/or donated under our team name.  I am in awe that, in less than 3 weeks, you have all done so much! 

We went and picked up the banner today.

I need to work on my Bad Ass pose, I look more like I'm trying to pose like a statue. Thank you Uptown Graphics for printing this banner for free!

Helena and I had a little fun shopping:

 

I originally planned to work part-time through this but have decided against that and today was my last official day to work.  I’ll begin my short term disability stint in a full time status on Monday and am looking forward to this.  While I didn’t mind attempting to work I realized I was running like normal and haven’t had the chance to slow down.  Taking this time off will allow me to focus on my health, my family and getting through this.  I’ll begin to do a little research because I still haven’t (thank God for the doctors who know what they’re doing!!) and watch some daytime TV, maybe find a new hobby but mostly take it easy so my body isn’t run down.  My manager says she’s fully supportive of this, which I believe and am very thankful for. 

I added a link on the right side of the page for the meal calendar.  Let me know if you have questions about this.   

I’m also adding a link for those of you who want to make donations.  I hesitate to do this because I don’t want anyone thinking I’m asking for money.  But people are asking how they can make donations so I’m putting the ability out there.  Please, Please, Please do not feel obligated.  I am trying to accept all the help that is offered to me and it is difficult because I try to be independent and strong and blah blah but I’ve been told that it is my time to receive.  So when it is my time to give, I will do so with a happy heart.  I want to give, I want to help, it’s hard to think that I can’t right now.

Speaking of giving with a happy heart, I want to thank First Baptist of New Orleans.  We “found” this church (it’s not hard, you can’t really miss it when driving on I-10) a few years ago and have been amazed at the outreach this church does.  When Micah was born my mom called the office to see if the pastor ever made hospital visits.  This man I’d seen a handful of times walked into my hospital room and I looked at him and said “Hey you’re the pastor aren’t you?”  Yep, he came and visited in the hospital and then him and his wife visited us at home.  The church delivered meals on Wednesday nights when I was recovering from a C Section and they are delivering dinners on Wednesday nights through my treatment.  And today, my phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize but I answered it anyway.  It was Pastor Crosby, on his cell, calling me to see how I was doing.  And he said to make sure I save his number into my phone in case I ever need anything. Did I tell you the Sunday service averages about 750-800 people?  And the Pastor called ME to see how I was doing.  Wow. 

So, to wrap up, things are good today :) 



Chemo Brain

I received a card from my good friend Nicole Gulick on Saturday that said she was running a half marathon on Sunday the 14th. She said she would wear something for me and run for me. Sunday morning I received this picture:

Then a few hours later I received another picture from Nicole:

NICOLE KICKED BUTT!!! 2nd place out of ~3200 female runners. I can barely type this without tears because that is AWESOME. Her average pace for 13.1 miles was twice as fast as my pace for 1 mile. Not that I'm comparing, I know I'm not a fast runner.  She pushed herself and I will do the same, to make it through my treatment and come out of this a winner, a survivor.

Ahh yes, I believe Chemo Brain has hit. I thought for sure it'd hit further down the road but it seems to have shown it's silly little face early on. I don't know the "normal" point at which people start to feel they have Chemo Brain but for me, it is now. The reason I know this is I did a quick google search on Chemo Brain and this is what I found: Excerpt: Leroy Sievers shared his experience with chemo brain. He described these symptoms as:

"It’s a little bit like the feeling you get when you’ve had one or two drinks too many, and you don’t want to be drunk. You will try to talk yourself into clarity but it doesn’t always work."

And guess what? This is exactly how I feel. I tried to explain it as feeling like I'm drunk, but I'm not. And when I got in the car to drive it was like, I don't think I should be driving but I'm sober! Needless to say I will be using the Mom's Taxi chauffeur services pretty often.

I realize now that my exhaustion on Thursday, Friday and Saturday was a side effect of Chemo. I pretty much slept every chance I got. Sunday morning Helena, Micah and I went to church and then lounged around the rest of the day. My nausea has not been too bad and I'm thankful for that.

Tomorrow I go for a follow up visit with my surgeon.  I’m hoping he removes my port-a-cath stitches because I really feel like I’ve got fishing wire sticking out of my neck!

Day 3 of how many???

Wow!  What a week.  We have at least 41 orders for Kickin' It Pink for Kristyn T shirts!  Thanks to Christy for getting this going.  I have a logo for my fight against breast cancer!  I'll share it once it's final but it's pretty bad ass.  I'M pretty bad ass!  Ok, Roxanne thinks I'm pretty bad ass. ha ha She designed the logo and did an awesome job.  Katie started the team for the Race For the Cure and did a great job with that - we currently have 25 people on our team! And we beat our donation goal! You are all amazing supporters of me and this fight.  If I leave you out in my thank you's please know I haven't forgotten about you,  Maybe at the end of this I'll give a thank you speach :)  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers because this is only the beginning. 
So yesterday I took a Xanax because my insides were going crazy - like a volcano running through me (not on fire, just going all over) or maybe like a bunch of little kids running all over the place, inside my veins. UGH!  I guess that was nerves in anticipation of what is yet to come.  Then Cristie came and took me to my white blood cell shot (maybe I'll learn the technical terms some day but for now, who cares?!) which I took a vicodin for beforehand because I heard the shots make your bones hurt.  We decided we needed to stop at the Bulldog on the way home to sit on the patio and enjoy ourselves for a little.  This was nice!  Then we picked up Micah and came home.  Sweet little Micah, he has no clue what's going on and just makes me smile all the time. 
Today I'm feeling ok.  I might have a bit of a stomach ache, I really don't know.  I think if I ignore it I'll be ok so I plan to go to the mall to get some sweats since I'll be lounging around for the next 4 months and a b.day present for Helena because she turned 15 on Tuesday!  Wow!  She will definitely remember her step mom going through cancer and I'm sure it'll be hard to see but she's dealt with some tough stuff in her life (losing her house twice, once from Katrina and again from Isach) and is a really strong girl.  Anyway, we're celebrating tomorrow.  Manicures, the mall, ice cream cake, pizza and whatever else the day brings!
Oops I took a detour there.  So I'm feeling ok, keeping up on my meds, and hoping and praying really hard that I don't get sick. But if I don't get sick, how will I lose weight?  oh geez, is that really the most important thing Kristyn??? :)  No, but let me tell you if I have to go through all this crap, I better get something good out of it!  Including life, of course!

Day 1 - Done

Well, I made it.  Day 1 of Chemo is in the past (almost!)  Bobby took me to my appointment and we waited almost an hour to be called back.  Then when we got to the infusion room I felt abandoned by the nurse that called me back.  Literally, she called my name, some other man came back with us and I was never spoken to again.  When we got in the room she walked away and didn't say a word so there we were, just standing there.  I've been pretty calm and collected this whole time but this was about to make me lose it.  Poor Bobby wasn't sure how to support me.  We gathered our stuff and walked back to the waiting room.  The didn't even realize I had left for like 15 minutes.  I had already started looking up other cancer centers in the area and if this wasn't for chemo, for breast cancer, for this dumb thing that I NEED treatment for I might have left.  I would have left.  But I stuck it out and it turned out ok.  My nurse for the day, Missy, said "we have fun here" and I thought, Oh Really???  It turns out "we" do! 
The lady sitting next to me just started today also and is on the same plan as me so we'll be seeing each other every 2 weeks for 4 months.  Our cases are a little different and I hope that we both come out of this smiling like we did today. 
I went to the American Cancer Society Look Good, Feel Better little class today during my treatment (Pulled my big ol' chemo dripping IV thing with me) and got a bunch of free makeup and 2 wigs!  Check out my loot

BRCA Tests and Port-a-Cath's

I'm barely able to keep my eyes open after my surgery to insert the port-a-cath but we got good news today so I want to share it!  The results for the BRCA test came back negative!  That means I'm less likely to get ovarian cancer and less likely to have a recurrance of breast cancer.  At least I think that's what it means :)  Seems strange to not carry the gene yet still get breast cancer but whatever.  I suppose if I researched I'd discover something like the BRCA only tests for certain genes, not all of them.  Regardless, that is great news!
Now, for the port-a-cath... I had no idea this was such a big thing.  The doctor told us the actual surgery was only about 45 minutes so I was thinking it'd be no big deal but I think I was wrong.  I was knocked out for a few hours, when I woke up I was in pain so they started adding pain killers to my IV drip and I was in and out for another 3 hours.  Now that I'm home I only keep my eyes open for a few minutes before falling asleep.  Really, it's not that big of a deal, it's just not what I expected.  And I have another Rx for Vicodin.  The pharmacy might stop filling my prescriptions!
I start chemo tomorrow morning at 9:30.  I was hoping to try some Xanax tonight to mellow me out but I think my surgery drugs are doing the trick. 
Here's a before pic of my chest

And an after pic (bandaged up)

Just the beginning of my 'changes.'

Chickens, goats, cows, corn and Badgers!

We had planned a trip Madison, Wisconsin with our good friends Gabe and Katie a few months back because the guys wanted to shop at their favorite store, Deluth Trading Company, and Katie was going to show us where she grew up. Tell me it's not funny to go on a trip for your husband to go shopping at his favorite clothing store! This has been a great trip and perfect timing to get my mind of things as I wait to start chemo. Thursday we stayed in Milwaukee. We went to dinner at a Safe House, very cool, and then went out. Friday we got up, drove to Madison and had lunch and a delicious Brandy Old Fashion before heading to Deluth Trading Company. We dropped the guys off to shop and went to see one of Katie's friends whom I met at Gabe and Katie's wedding. Once we were able to drag the guys away from the store we headed to the farm. We "helped" Katie's mom feed her goats and chickens and then went to Katie's sisters to milk some cows. Her sister and her family milk about 180 cows, twice a day, every day, 7 days/week, 365 days/year.  Ugh I can't even comprehend that!! The hospitality of Katie's family has been fantastic. They showed us what they do, fed us an amazing dinner that everyone pitched in to make, gave us rooms, made us Apple Pie (apple cider w/everclear. Yum), and treated us like family.
Today we're headed to tailgate for the Badger game. I had to stay true to my Beaver roots so we're not going into the game, just tailgating the whole time. Typical of my football fashion at OSU (Go Beavs!). I'm sure we'll have fun today.  It's cold, way colder than NOLA, but perfect football weather.

As for my annoying little friend, Breast Cancer, that bitch has been on the sidelines this weekend. (why is it a "girl?". I'll see what I can do about that!). Monday I have my pre-op appointment for the port-a-cath and a  chemo education appt to find out about all my medications I'll be taking. My mom and I decided we'd keep track of all the receipts just to see how much I spend on rx's. Luckily I have insurance!  Tuesday I'm getting my Mirena taken out. The best and easiest form of birth control but it releases a hormone that the docs are worried about. However, I've been instructed to NOT get pregnant while I'm going through treatment.  Makes sense but I only know one sure way to prevent pregnancy and I'm pretty sure my husband won't like that!  Right after that procedure I get the port-a-cath put in. All this in preparation for my first chemo treatment which should be Wednesday morning. I'm nervous.  How sick will I get? When will I get sick? Will the nurses like me? Will I like them?  What about the other patients? Should Bobby come the first time? Or my mom?  I kind of want to be there alone but once I'm there I bet I change my mind. And you know the ultimate question, when will my hair fall out???  We will soon find out the answers to all these questions.
Oh yah!  My mom has been with Micah while we've been gone. I miss him and am looking forward to getting him up on Monday morning!!  Thanks for taking care of him, Mom!

Get It Checked

So this is what I want to say today - get it checked.

If I didn't have my annual exam appointment I would not have known I have cancer. So is that bad? I mean, I don't feel sick or like I have cancer but I do. If I didn't have my appointment I would still be sitting here, like normal, with it growing inside of me. Seven days ago I was "fine." I'm so happy I didn't reschedule that appointment and that I remembered to ask my Dr about the lump I found. And that she said to get an ultrasound and I listened. I only put it off one week (because I called the wrong place the first time).

If you have something suspicious, weird, strange, different, painful, etc… Get It Checked.  My annoying annual exam saved my life.

I'm still going to lose my hair

Yes this whole thing freaks me out but right now I'm focusing on small things like losing my hair.  Because that's easier to deal with.
The Oncologist report - in my words:
The cancer is Stage 2A.  It's Stage 2 because of the size (bigger).  It's aggressive.  Aggressive mostly in that it's abnormal. It's probably been there for a year, maybe less, so it's grown fast and could keep growing.  The MRI showed no signs of it being in the lymph nodes or spreading at this time.  Chemo starts next week but first I have an echo cardiogram and have to get a port-a-cath put in.  I think I'll come out of this with a few scars.  16 weeks of chemo - the first 8 weeks will be 2 drugs every 2 weeks.  The last 8 weeks will be 1 drug every 2 weeks, I think.  Half way through we evaluate to see if the tumor shrunk, then we'll decide what surgery to do.  Unless I carry the gene indicating I'm more likely to get Breast Cancer again or ovarian cancer in which case we'll know what surgery.  I'm ok not knowing which surgery yet, it's kind of nice to not worry about that right now.  I know where I want to have it though!  This place and their "spa like atmosphere..."  I could handle that. 
So I start Chemo next week.  That's crazy.  And my hair will fall out.  That's really crazy.  And my eye brows and eye lashes.  Really?  I asked why the hair can't stay in and just not grow instead of completely falling out and the doctor nicely answered my childish question - that it kills the folicle.  That's freaking stupid. 

Just Like the Movies

On Sept 24, 2012 I found out I have breast cancer.  Bobby and I walked into the Doctor's office, not the exam room but the office with a desk and chairs.  I looked at Bobby and said "This is just like the movies, this isn't good" but I still didn't think the lump I found, that had been under scrutiny from two ultrasounds, a mammogram and a biopsy, could possibly be cancer.  My first reaction was that I didn't want to lose my hair.  I can't imagine losing my hair, it was traumatizing (???) enough dealing with the baby hairs that grew back after Micah was born but now I have to lose my hair AND deal with it growing back? 
One week later, I'm still not entirely sure if this has all hit me.  I have other fears (I want to see Micah grow up, I want to grow old with Bobby, How does nausea really feel? How long will this last? Will I always wonder if the cancer will come back? What if it does?) but it still seems a bit surreal.  Since I was given my diagnosis I've had one doctor appointment, been pricked twice for blood, had an MRI, had an IV for the MRI, called HR, told my mom, told Helena, told my friends, told my church, prayed, asked others to pray, written down my thoughts, got my hair cut, kissed Micah way more than he probably wants me to (but I don't care!!!), tried to act like nothing is wrong, tried to act like something is wrong, shed tears and done a little research (I wish I could do more but it freaks me out).  I have an appointment with the Oncologist tomorrow morning, a second opinion in the afternoon, early next week I'll have to do pre-op work for the chemotherapy port and then get the port implanted and I guess start my chemotherapy treatment.
I plan to use this blog as a way to let my friends and family know how things are going.  I don't intend to make you cry or laugh but if you do, I hope you laugh more than cry!  I have no idea what kind of things I'll write about but I feel like I need to do this for me and you.  Please don't judge my writing skills or grammar, or if you do judge just don't tell me about it! 
Here's to Breast Cancer Awareness month and the beginning of my journey.  Join us at the Race For the Cure on Oct 20th.  Our team name is Kickin' It Pink for Kristyn.
Registration link for Race for the Cure