I admit it, I might be a little crazy

I dropped off Micah last week and while driving home I found myself daydreaming about Chemo.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!  Am I really looking forward to chemotherapy? 

The only thing I can think is that I’m tired of going in every day for radiation.  Chemo will be once a week for two weeks and then I’ll get a week or two break (I don’t know, I haven’t quite figured out the schedule and it’ll probably change throughout chemo).  Radiation isn’t bad, it’s usually pretty quick, it doesn’t hurt and the people are nice.  Maybe it’s because I’m in and out of there so quickly for radiation and with chemo I’ll be sitting in a chair, relaxing for 3-5 hours (I’m not sure how long the “chair time” is yet).  Maybe it’s because I know what to expect with chemo, I know I wasn’t looking forward to it last time (last time?  Geez I don’t know many people who can say “last time I did chemo…”).  Or it could be that I’m looking forward to seeing Missy, my chemo nurse, more often.  Who knows why but I think we can probably all agree I’m a little crazy for looking forward to chemo!

Someone asked me to describe the pain I feel in my breast (so if you’re uncomfortable reading about my breasts, stop now! [that’s a note to my brother! Ha] ).  First of all I think it’s different for me because I had reconstruction, which I know doesn’t mean much to you all either.  If you look at me, with clothes on or even a bathing suit, you will not be able to tell that I had reconstruction.  My breasts look pretty darn natural (props to Dr. Sullivan).  Without clothes you can see my scars.  My skin is the same, my breasts are about the same size as before, my nipples are still there (some women have them removed) but I can’t really feel anything.  The radiation therapists write on my left breast and I can’t feel them doing it.  My nipples do not respond to cold (you know, T.H.O???) and they probably never will.  With the absence of feeling I do wonder how I can feel pain!  I’m not sure that I feel everything someone else who gets radiation for breast cancer feels.  What I do feel is hard to explain.  I went for a walk yesterday (gorgeous day for it and I even noticed a fountain that I’ve never seen before because I made a point to enjoy the scenery while I walked) and I had to hold my left arm still because it hurts if my arm rubs against my breast.  I walked slowly because if my left breast bounces at all it hurts (remember, I don’t wear a bra).  The skin of my left breast is noticeably red from the radiation.  I was wearing a zip up sweatshirt yesterday and it hurt to zip it up all the way over my breast.  Micah wants me to chase him but I can’t because it hurts.  I was driving the other day and decided to hold my breast to see if that helped.  Do you know how much your breasts bounce when you’re not wearing a bra, driving through the streets of New Orleans?  Goodness, no wonder they hurt!

After radiation, showers and before I go to bed, I generously apply aquaphor to keep my skin moist.  I will have a reaction of some sort no matter what I do to prevent it but I’m told the lotion helps. I am taking Aleve but I don’t notice that it does much to block the pain.  I could try something stronger but then I wouldn't be able to drive.

On Tuesday I had to get some CT scans because the Radiation Therapists said I have swelling.  (I totally could’ve told them that!)  The scan was done to determine if adjustments were needed with my radiation.  The Radiation Oncologist, Physicists and who knows who else looked at everything and determined that no changes are needed.   It’s comforting to know that everyone is extremely caution with this and I had no qualms getting the additional scans.

Today I completed my 25^thround of radiation and I have 10 more to go.  Unless, of course, my skin gets too bad which is a possibility but one that we can deal with.  So far I think my skin is doing pretty well but I don’t have anything to compare it to!

When I got my CT scans there was a wood model of the radiation bed so I took some pictures of it.

 Here’s the real bed: The bed backs up so that it's lined up in the circle and the gray arm moves all around me.

Here’s the model:

 

 

 

I'm trying to show how the big gray arm moves around me.  In the first "wood" picture the gray arm would be under me.  In the second "wood" picture it's above me. 

 

This is the fountain I saw on my walk.  I honestly don't know if it's new but I've been on this path at least 50 times, probably more, so it makes me wonder!