Nov 13 and 14

Nov 13 – I am very thankful that I am able to not work during this.  When I say my energy level is low, it really is. I generally wake up feeling rested although sometimes I wake up tired because I wake up before the sun comes up and I can’t go back to sleep.  By 1pm I’m ready for a nap, sometimes before 1, and it usually doesn’t matter what I’ve done in the morning.  I’m not a good napper so I usually just rest.  I have no problems falling asleep at night so Dr. Barnhill said she didn’t want to prescribe a sleep aid because it’ll make me groggy if I take it in the middle of the night (maybe Bobby should request it for me telling her he’d prefer me to be groggy vs. cranky and tired).  So my energy is low and then I don’t always get the sleep I need to start over the next day.   I feel sort of like I’m on the verge of getting sick but thankfully I don’t.  Then sometimes, when I’m sooo tired I actually sleep a little later and feel better when I wake up.  I feel guilty about not working but if I’m afraid if I tried to work 8 hours I’d be worn out all the time and never feel better.  I see why Dr. Barnhill wanted me to stop working and focus on taking care of myself. 

Nov 14 – I am thankful for Health Insurance.   I’m also thankful for my time working at BlueCross BlueShield of Oregon and the experience I gained reviewing claims, benefits and EOB’s (explanation of benefits or claims processing reports).   I added up a bunch of my claims because my EOB’s arrived yesterday.  I have 10 claims, all before my chemo even started (I’m curious to see those charges!) and they total over $33,000.  Because I have insurance my balance is nowhere near that and because I’m double covered under my insurance and Bobby’s insurance my balance is even less.  But the patient balance column is growing and will continue to do so.  So much for the bigger house I wanted! Ha ha 

I’m going to a therapist today.  I spoke to the head of the department last week and explained my sleeping problems and said that “I think I’m fine, I mean I’m not freaking out or anything…” and she replied that “you are not fine, you’re not sleeping!”  This makes a lot of sense.  So while I’m doing ok, not physically sick and not crying or breaking down all the time, I’m experiencing anxiety.  Just wanted to share with you all that I do have some problems, I’m doing ok but maybe I’m not Super Woman!  Although I feel strong and feel OK, I need therapy.  I’m totally OK with that too.